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Conversations with Self

A lot of you keep asking me, “tu din bhar karta kya hai” (what do you do all day in your free time). Here’s the answer. In what follows, most of the lines were spoken in the head, some aloud. And it’s not this coherent in original, it’s been paraphrased.

I need a plan. I really need a plan. I need to retire, retire early. I can't work for long. I should retire by the time I am 40. Yeah 40 seems reasonable. That gives me 16 years of working life. Spend a couple years doing MBA, and I am left with 14 years. Not bad. I hope I will be able to retire at 40, and not get bogged by social obligation. Obligations? Will I have a family to take care of? A kid maybe?

[No comment on this status update yet? Why isn’t anyone online?]

Hmm, I can have a kid. How old would he be then? Around 7 I guess. Yeah 33 seems to be a good age to have a kid. And when the kid is 7, that’s a good time to retire. Give my nurturing instincts a way to express themselves [chuckles to self]. Seriously, 7 is a good age to have fun with the kid. None of that diaper shit to take care of and none of the teenage tantrums that will come later. I will probably send the kid to some boarding school when he turns 14. Go throw tantrums at those boarding school people and stop bugging me. Yeah, 7 – 14 is good time to spend with him.

[Google Search: Lara Dutta wardrobe malfunction. LOL]

Ummm, if it’s a girl I can probably like her till she is, like, 16. More importantly, she will start hating me by then I guess. Stupid Claire Bennett. She has spoiled the good teenage girl image – I love daddy, I hate daddy, I want to be special, I want to have a normal life. For all her cuteness, she is one irritating bitch.

[Heheheh. Funny comment. “Like. Like”]

Though if I am having a kid at 33, when am I getting married. 32? 31? Nah, got to have at least 3 years without the kid. The kid spoils everything [chuckle to self again]. So I have to get married at 30. That gives me what, 6 years, from now? Damn, that’s very less. Ummm, do I like want to find a girl, fall in love, have an affair, a prolonged romance and then get married? Do I want all that? Shit, 6 years is too less for that. Shit, the plan is getting screwed up.

[Damn the fail whale. Aaaarrrgggghh.]

Ah wait. There’s a solution. No need getting married at 30. Oh super idea. Find a girl, get drunk, get laid, get her pregnant, and guess what, then I can marry her. Will she go for it? Well she would be over the hill herself, and may decide what the hell; probably it is time to settle. She might even treat the pregnancy as a divine sign telling her to settle down. Her self-respect should not be an issue. I mean she is sleeping around with me when I am 33, how much self-respect does she have to begin with.

Hehe. That seems like a good plan. It’s almost like the perfect plan. I am too awesome.

[Hohohoh hahaha hohoho. Jon Stewart. You are a genius. Ummm … gotta tweet that.]

Comments

  1. ha ha.. whats all d planning for? u seriously think abt all dat shit?
    love d last part of d plan though.. GO FOR IT!!

    PS : Add a like button just like u did in d PG! section.. and to say d truth.. evn I sumtimes wonder.. “tu din bhar karta kya hai??” ;) :P

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hadd hai vellape ki....all doubts cleared ki aap din bhar karte kya ho.......all sympathies for your wife and children.... let me give some more thoughts to think about....
    your career as an actor !!
    opening a cafe for urself whr u can play cards !!
    something together wid mithun (can be nything :P)!!
    Alumni contributions to Patel Hall of Residence !!
    Guess I am vella too.. :D

    ReplyDelete
  3. @all .. i have way too much time

    @pushpak: LIKE button added

    @khare: i like the first three options you have given me
    as for alum contri .. lemme start earning first :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Eggjactly!
    Everyone asks this to me too, "Tu din bhar office mein karta kya hai". What the hell man!
    This post speaks for the entire thoughtful ready-to-take-the-(real and onln social networking)world community. Kudos! :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. thanx for d quick edit.. as usual.. LOVE the LIKE!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. yeah we all love the like

    @meher: seems u relate to post :P

    @all: no one is getting the read-in-between-the-lines kya?

    ReplyDelete
  7. 3 cheers to Jon Stewart.. 300 cheers to your retirement plan..

    now gotta Google search Lara Dutta

    ReplyDelete
  8. @harsha: thankfully you got the most important part of the post :)
    thats why i love you!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. nice plan, but make sure your 'to be wife' does not read this.

    ReplyDelete
  10. hey.. I also googled Lara Dutta.. but didn't mention it... ;)

    ReplyDelete
  11. dude amazing! its absolutely strikingly similar to the "awesome threesome" blog that you had written some 5 yrs back - the topics are different but the same essence is unmistakably perceptible out here as well...loved reading it (esp the kids part :D :D :D)
    undoubtedly one of THE BEST blogs uve ever written. And in this one u actually were cleverly funny :P :P (unlike others where u desperately tried to sound so :D :D)
    best of luck for ur "dreams" ahead and don't give up on ur uselessness (that's actually one of ur few endearing traits :D :D :D :D)

    ReplyDelete
  12. seriously Clair!!!???..yucks!! btw last plan inspired by Kaminey??!! but boy you need to find a Priyanka for that...so now start planning how to get a gal like that...then what if she comes with lot many baggages( find a firang to be on the safer side that will solve it all)..what if you had twins( there are no accidents remember)...
    make a full proof plan and then the plan laugh time...hu hu ha ha ha

    ReplyDelete
  13. @sandy: thanks yao !!
    @DD: why? wats wrong with Claire??

    ReplyDelete
  14. @all above
    Moral of the story baccho:
    men Vs men
    all are same,no one get Heaven
    pity they turn everything into hell!
    __________________________________________________

    Go boys checkout.. Deepika Padukone's wardrobe too..lolzz

    ReplyDelete

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